Last Night I Dreamt that Somebody Loved Jay Leno

I had a dream last night that Jay Leno kept trying to tell me about how he lost his virginity.

It was horrible.

I mean, I don’t have anything against Jay Leno, and I was relieved to hear he’s not still a virgin. But in the dream, there was a kind of horror about it all. He just wouldn’t stop telling me the story. And I couldn’t figure out if we were on t.v. or not. We were just sitting on these couches, and I couldn’t see any cameras, but I had this feeling that it was all being taped. Which made me very anxious—I don’t like having my picture taken, let alone being on national television.

Let alone being on national television talking about sex. Jay Leno sex.

And I was also kind of worried for Jay’s dignity. It was just awful. Weirdly, I can’t remember anything about the story. If it was funny or tender or tragic or whatever. These stories should either be funny or tragic, I think. Both is best. Never tender, because that just sounds like a lie or somehting that you would read in some drippy teenage novel.

Plus, ‘tender’ is just a gross word. Unless it’s preceded by ‘legal’ or ‘bar’ or 'you won't take my love for.'