Maybe They Just Listen For Tone of Voice

The Washington Post reports today that only 33 out of 12000 FBI agents have even a glancing knowledge of Arabic. This is one of those *yawn* stories. Yeah, yeah, we all know that Americans are bad with languages and can't find France on a map and can't divide 4 by 1. I watch Leno, too.

We've all heard the stories about all the American ambassadors who don't know the language of the country to which they're assigned. Yeah, I read The Ugly American in high school, too.

We're arrogant and inept and that's why we keep getting into so much trouble. Old story.

Still true, of course, but it's an old story.

But it make you wonder--the President is busy accusing everyone who opposes the Patriot Act or illegal wiretapping of "not wanting to listen to the terrorists," well, it turns out that we actually can't listen to the terrorists.

Maybe that's why they want such comprehensive surveillance. Why they need to enlist librarians and warrantless searches and the creepy let-mailmen-spy-on-people Operation TIPS. Because they can't actually do any focused listening.

But do you remember a few years ago when the army and other branches of our security forces fired all those Arabic and Farsi translators for being gay? That doesn't seem like such a good idea now.

Oh, and Mr. Clinton? Don't worry about it. Who could have foreseen that anything could ever go wrong with Don't Ask, Don't Tell as an anti-discrimination policy?? We know it was the best you could do with the limited balls at your disposal.

Although, to be fair, there was some concern about the accuracy of the translations. Critics site this conversation between two al Qaida operatives, translated by one of the cashiered linguists:

- Oooh, girlfriend, did you see that mufti when he issued that fatwa? He was totally giving you the sticky eyeball, praise be to Allah.

- I know, right? Could he have been more obviously cruising me, peace be upon him? But as if. I mean, have you seen that mufti's crow's feet? Just because you're fighting the infidels doesn't mean you can't moisturize.

-Mmmm....he could be my Daddy....chacun a son gout...oh, by the way, did you hear? We're going to have to honor-kill your sister. I mean, did you see that burkha she was wearing--if you can even call it a burkha. You could totally see her nose and part of her lip--and after Labor Day! Praise be to Allah.