Sweet Fancy Moses
As I've likely mentioned at some point on This Old Blog, I am a little obsessive/compulsive. There are certain patterns that I find comforting, but as OCDers go, I am not terribly ritualistic. Mostly I just have to check things (precisely 17 times, or there will be a nuclear war) a lot. And I worry about germs. I worry that I will catch something. Or that I will get someone else sick.
I get very stressed out at parties if I have to shake hands too much. Alcohol helps. Topically or internally.
I won't use a handtowel, because I'm convinced that they're crawling with airborne bathroom germs from the toilet flushing and with germs from people who didn't wash their hands well enough and then wiped the rest of their germs on the towel where they multiply in the moist bathroomy terrycloth.
When the subway is crowded, I panic a little because of think that all the oxygen is getting used up and that the "air" is just carbon dioxide and microbes.
I have to wash everything I buy before I use it to get off the "factory chemicals." I know that this is stupid (my sister likes to point out that I don't know shit about either chemicals or factories), but, well, you know.
All in all, it's manageable. I do miss the bus pretty often, because I have to go home and check something, but I get by ok.
There's medication for it, but I worry about medication. Medicine is a little like germs, crawling through your bloodstream and doing god knows what.
But here's the reason I am posting: someone just told me about a new behaviorist "therapy" that culminates in....TOUCHING A TOILET.
Now this is not just revolting, it taps into what every crazy person believes deep down: that they're not really crazy and that a "cure" will just leave them vulnerable to bad bad things. This is like curing a claustrophobe by burying him alive.
If being "cured" means touching toilets, I'll stay sick.
Seriously--I'm right about this, right? You don't have to have OCD to think that touching a toilet is a bad bad idea. Right?
I get very stressed out at parties if I have to shake hands too much. Alcohol helps. Topically or internally.
I won't use a handtowel, because I'm convinced that they're crawling with airborne bathroom germs from the toilet flushing and with germs from people who didn't wash their hands well enough and then wiped the rest of their germs on the towel where they multiply in the moist bathroomy terrycloth.
When the subway is crowded, I panic a little because of think that all the oxygen is getting used up and that the "air" is just carbon dioxide and microbes.
I have to wash everything I buy before I use it to get off the "factory chemicals." I know that this is stupid (my sister likes to point out that I don't know shit about either chemicals or factories), but, well, you know.
All in all, it's manageable. I do miss the bus pretty often, because I have to go home and check something, but I get by ok.
There's medication for it, but I worry about medication. Medicine is a little like germs, crawling through your bloodstream and doing god knows what.
But here's the reason I am posting: someone just told me about a new behaviorist "therapy" that culminates in....TOUCHING A TOILET.
Now this is not just revolting, it taps into what every crazy person believes deep down: that they're not really crazy and that a "cure" will just leave them vulnerable to bad bad things. This is like curing a claustrophobe by burying him alive.
If being "cured" means touching toilets, I'll stay sick.
Seriously--I'm right about this, right? You don't have to have OCD to think that touching a toilet is a bad bad idea. Right?
posted by Feemus at
5:58 PM
11 Comments:
Dude...
I'm guessing that you don't have kids, right?
Parental life is a matter of wading through one type of protien cesspool or another.
The day will come where you just hold your ham sandwich in your teeth while you change a poopy diaper, and the realization hits you:
"Fuck that. Germs should fear me."
By
Anonymous, at 7:41 PM
I like the ham sandwich, Dwight.
And Feemus, om...whaddaya mean, "touching toilets?" I don't get it. I touch toilets every day. Does this therapy somehow involve touching toilets and then licking your hands or something? I guess I don't relate too much, although I will say that I always think it's a good idea to wash new clothes before I wear them, and certainly pop cans/any cans. And as for fruit, if it's not organic you might as well just go straight for the rat poison -- I doubt that washing it will do much good.
But I think that about covers my germs/filth/getting- more-than-you're-bargaining-for-from-the-store fears.
By
Anonymous, at 8:31 PM
p.s. I do agree that touching toilets at bus terminals and taverns, beaches and restaurants is probably not the greatest idea. Yick.
People are such incredible pigs.
By
Anonymous, at 8:34 PM
Touching a toilet? Touching a freaking toilet? That's not a cure, my friend, that's a perversion. You are quite right to view this "therapy" with utmost suspicion and distaste. Man alive, that's warped.
What happens if someone has a fear of touching kids? Is the same sort of logic applied? It is not entirely impossible to imagine pasty-faced paedophiles lying through their teeth in order to undergo aversion therapy. What a crock of skank.
I'm just saying.
Kind regards etc...
PS. Sorry - nice to meet you. I like the look of this blog. It has the feel of quality.
PPS. Dwight the troubled teen - stop it. The words ham sandwich and poopy diaper and teeth should never - NEVER - appear in the same sentence. Enough already.
By
The Periodic Englishman, at 8:36 PM
Props, Dwight, for taking a neutral word like "protein" and turning it into nightmare. You got "mad skills" as the kids say. Or do they say "mad skillz"?
I don't have kids, but changing diapers doesn't really bother me. Although I wouldn't do it while eating a sandwich.
Kids mostly have immunity, as do certain people and situations (it's not rational). Although the visibly grubby hands of children can kind of freak me out. My niece and I were sitting down to lunch one day and I said "Let's go wash our hands." And she said, "You go ahead, mine are ok for me."
She's a smartass.
You know, you're right (as usual) Claudia. I touch MY toilet everyday. Often with a sponge and some Ajax. I was sort of thinking that it was an airport toilet or something. And I was imagining a fullpalm thing. I was probably just panicking.
Beach toilets are the worst.
Thanks for the support, Periodic. Yeah, it sounded pretty sick to me. Like something that some shrink came up with to ensure that his patients would have to spend even MORE time in therapy. But if someone can't even touch their own toilet, maybe he's on to something.
Maybe.
By
Feemus, at 6:13 AM
Couple of things:
Tell your sister that she should start washing her clothes before she wears them. Tell her someone who once worked in a clothing factory said so.
As far as immersion therapy, I cured myself of lifelong OCD tendencies by doing the things that I was afraid of. My fears sound silly, like my right foot had to cross lines first, including while driving in a car, so I'd be tap-tapping, forever trying to judge the exact position of the lines in the pavement...Silly, but still a powerful compulsion.
My point is, that kind of therapy can work for some people. Touching a toilet would be gross and scary, but if you had immediate access to soap and water, I believe it would not be dangerous. Your skin is meant to be a barrier to germs. The bad stuff happens when the germs get into an opening. So just don't pick your nose until you wash your hands. Hehe.
By
Sherri, at 6:20 AM
Thanks for the support on the "factory chemicals" thing, Sherri!
Congrats on the cure--you must have tremendous willpower.
Maybe I just need to start slower. Handtowel first, then toilet.
Maybe tomorrow I will use a handtowel. Or next week.
By
Feemus, at 8:42 AM
Yes, Sherri and Feemus, my dad used to tell a story back in the 60's about a friend of his who worked at an underwear factory. The story goes that my dad asked him one day if he thought it was a good idea to wash the underwear after you bought it and before you wore it, and the guy (famously now) said, "I would."
The "I" was italicized.
By
Anonymous, at 8:49 AM
I try to stay on the positive-thinking side of the germ warfare and imagine that my immune system, having fought against all type and variety of alien germ invasions, is a crew of grizzled, veteran soldiers who don't flinch when the call goes out and eat viruses for breakfast.
That theory seriously got tested when Cammy decided we were being lax in changing her diaper and decided to excavate the poopies herself by hand and then show us the evidence of our poor diaper management.
I've never changed a poopy diaper with a sandwhich in my mouth or in one hand. Usually the diapers I get require two hands, a blowtorch, and holy water.
I can't IMAGINE touching toilets for some sort of psychological benefit. Beach toilets? Good lord have mercy, I'm convinced that the next human plague will come about from some fool rubbing their bare ass on a soiled toilet, scratching his ass and thing picking his teeth. It's only a matter of time...
*shudders*
Benticore
out
By
Benticore, at 9:45 AM
Benti, you never get used to the poop. Even though I'm reaching the end of my third potty-training, the horror may stick with me forever. I've had 8 years of daily child waste issues. Nope, you never get used to it.
Feemus, I don't know if my willpower is that strong, or if my ocd was that lame. I got really tired of people thinking I was lame from the way I walked. I'll tell you what, though, when I took that first step I thought I would die. The second step (several days later) was fifteen times easier.
I've never been in a beach bathroom, but the bathroom in the clothing factory is what made me start washing my new clothes. Chemicals will give you a rash, but the things I saw in that bathroom...shudder.
I think this is my favorite topic ever.
By
Sherri, at 10:46 AM
Shudder, indeed, Benticore and Sherri.
Shudder, indeed.
You guys are hilarious.
By
Feemus, at 1:19 PM
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