Chapter 27, In Which Feemus Has a Religious Experience
I stumbled downstairs to make coffee this morning, still dozy and and muddleheaded. Desperate for coffee.
I ground the coffee. I filled the water resevoir. Then I pulled out the carafe to heat it up (it's the insulated kind), and there, right behind the carafe, was the meanest looking spider I've ever seen.
Big, too.
I do not like spiders. As I've blogged before, my wife (who had already left for work) is the designated spider-killer in our house. I cheerfully take care of any other vermin, but I have a real horror of spiders. All those legs.
And this one was looking at me funny. Not "ha ha" funny, either. Travis Bickle funny.
So there I was, desperate for coffee and questioning my manhood. And suddenly the combination of fear and shame and powerful longing was overwhelming. It was sublime. It was complete, in a way: while it lasted, I couldn't imagine being fuller of feeling.
After a frozen moment of ecstasy, I came to my senses, grabbed the spider and put him outside, made coffee and got on with my day.
I ground the coffee. I filled the water resevoir. Then I pulled out the carafe to heat it up (it's the insulated kind), and there, right behind the carafe, was the meanest looking spider I've ever seen.
Big, too.
I do not like spiders. As I've blogged before, my wife (who had already left for work) is the designated spider-killer in our house. I cheerfully take care of any other vermin, but I have a real horror of spiders. All those legs.
And this one was looking at me funny. Not "ha ha" funny, either. Travis Bickle funny.
So there I was, desperate for coffee and questioning my manhood. And suddenly the combination of fear and shame and powerful longing was overwhelming. It was sublime. It was complete, in a way: while it lasted, I couldn't imagine being fuller of feeling.
After a frozen moment of ecstasy, I came to my senses, grabbed the spider and put him outside, made coffee and got on with my day.
posted by Feemus at
1:54 PM
3 Comments:
I used to freak whenever I saw a spider in the shower, Feemus, and then one day I just began trying to reason with them. I say, "Hi honey," (you have to try this to see and believe how attentive they are when you address them so) "...I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're going to have to find somewhere else to live. I don't want to have to kill you, but if you keep showing up here my daughter is going to freak out. It could be dangerous for you. Now go on and find somewhere else to live, please! Go on! Bye bye, etc."
Now Feemus, like homeopathy, no one believes this until they try it. One time I spoke to a spider this way in the shower, and as I was drying off I came face to face with him, and he gave me this little salute and walked off. In my experience, they always listen and are very cooperative.
By
Anonymous, at 8:27 AM
I'm not sure I can pull of "honey." Maybe I can get the same result with "pal"?
I'll give it a try.
Perversely, I believe in homeopathy although it never seems to work for me.
By
Feemus, at 8:54 AM
Pervert!
By
Anonymous, at 11:42 AM
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