Praeteritio

Ok, it's been a busy few weeks and the old blog has been a little neglected. Here's what I would have blogged about if I'd been blogging:

1. The Bi-Weekly Random Thought Post

This post would have noted that the face of country music would be very different if "drink" didn't happen to rhyme with "think." I would have said something clever and maybe rewritten a Merle Haggard song with a different central rhyme. I would have written this post in a slightly pompous pseudo-academic tone to heighten the comedy. My persona for this post would have been pedantic, but with a charming naivete. I think you would have liked it a lot if I'd written it.

2. The Election Post

Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.

3. The Being Amused/Crabby About Urban Life Post

I was on the subway last week and this very well-dressed woman in her early 50s asked the crazy guy who was rambling about Jeffrey Eugenides and his new meds and how he didn't think they were working and how he was sexually frustrated:

"I'm sorry, Sir, I can't understand what you are saying."

I was dumbstruck. Who fucking talks to people--any people--on the subway? Who fucking interrupts the crazy subway guy? To ask him to clarify??? His reply was priceless, though:

"No need to fuss, ma'am. I am just cogitating with my own self." If I'd written this post, it would have been funny and possible insightful. I might have also have bitched about some buskers. That seems likely.

4. The Literary Post

In the last two weeks, I've read the first page of No Country for Old Men about 6 times. That's all the fiction I've read. I would have blogged about how great the first page was.

I might or might not have copped to having not read further.

5. The Ted Haggard is a Big 'Mo Post

Um, who is surprised by this? But the focus of this post would have been on escort/pharmaceutrical provider, Mike Jones: Worst. Prostitute. Ever.

Jeezum Crow, isn't it the first rule of being a high end (this is possibly a bad pun--I can't tell) manwhore that you don't out your clients? I think Jones's behavior was very very rude.

6. The Veterans Day Post

Here I would have said something about all the amputees and head injury victims that the current war is causing. And about how the VA isn't well-equipped to handle the kind of long term care that these veterans will require. It would have been a touching post, but it would have had enough irony and a few moments of inappropriate humor so that it wouldn't have been sappy. It would have been freakin' brilliant. You would have wept and laughed.

It would probably also have included some leftist crackpot rantings. Just a guess here, but a guess that's playing the percentages.

If I'd been posting, that's what I would have posted. I hope you would have enjoyed reading these things.