More from Uncle Feemus's e-Mailbag

hey feemus sorry i missed our meeting today i had practice and then had to catch up on my calc hw can we reschedule for thursday at 7pm i really want to talk about my paper and what you think i should change.

Um, no. Of course, since there was no signature, I had to try to figure out from the email address precisely which student this was--three had not shown up for meetings. And notice that he is uninterested in his essay apart from instituting whatever changes he imagines I will suggest. This is what I call a "what do I need to do to get an A" meeting. It never works. To get an A you kinda need to have your own ideas.

Oh, and 7pm? Ha ha ha ha ha. Nice try, kiddo.

Dear Sir,
I am joining your class late. Will my grade be calculated from the time I join, or will I be penalized for the time I missed? Is there a time when we could meet so that you can help me get up to speed? I would be happy to buy coffee.

kindest regards,
Future Lobbyist of America

Ok, this one at least has punctuation. But are you kidding me? It's the fifth week of the semester! And while they don't pay me what I'm worth (which I'm convinced is incalculable), my job does at least pay me enough to buy my own fucking coffee (even if I have to listen to Cat Stevens to get it). And I love the "calculate my grade from the second month of the term" business--that's a pretty ingenius request, actually.

Hi Feemus,
Can you tell me where Memorial Hall is?

thanks,
Aporetic

Um...what? In the time it took to email me, you could have looked it up on the online freakin' campus map. And how the fuck should I know where Memorial Hall is? Do we even have a Memorial Hall?

Hi,
Here's my essay. Can you read it and get it back to me with comments in lecture today so that I can revise it before I turn it in?

Thanks,
Student Who Grew Up With Lots of Servants

Should I make a few phone calls for you while I'm at it? Maybe reschedule your squash game? Do you need a latte? To paraphrase my second grade teacher: Yes, dear, I can. But no, I won't.

Oh dear God I hate my job. When I started This Old Blog I was on a leave of absence. I was looking back over those posts and I think I was a lot calmer then. Sigh.

I have to remind myself that 75% of the students don't drive me to murderous daydreams and actually care about their education rather than just their grades and actually want to learn or at least want to not learn in respectable, if sullen, silence. I've got to work that into some kind of more succinct mantra.

Update: We have a new winner!! I like this one, because it's just so goofy. Plus, I like the kid.

Dear Feemus,
Are we expected to read the assigned readings?

thanks,
Hopeful Student Who Thought He'd Give it a Shot

Update update: A new contender, who gets bonus points for the Saturday email:

Hi,
I saw your email on the department website. I'm taking a class in your department and I can't remember my teacher's name and email address. I need to talk to her about an extension on the midterm. She has short blonde hair and she's about 5'7". Can you give me her email address?

Sincerely,
Hasn't Been to Class All Semester