My Life in E-Mail

Regarding an essay that is due on THURSDAY:

Hey Feemus,
Can I email you my paper? Can I get it to you on Wednesday? What is the deadline if I turn it in on Wednesday?

thanks,
Eager Student

I'm puzzled, but I don't care if she turns it in a day early. I respond thusly:

Dear Eager,
If you don't wish to turn in your paper in class on Thursday, you may put it in my mailbox. I do prefer a hard copy.

best,
Feemus

You'd think that would suffice, no? No.

Hey Feemus,
I just asked because some teachers are really strict about handing in a paper after the material has been covered in class. So I just wanted to check. Is it ok if I hand it in during class?

Eager

Sweet Fancy Moses. I've NEVER heard of anyone being "strict" about this sort of thing. Maybe in a math class? But surely one class is not going to exhaust the things that can be said about Milton. And it's not like I'm not going to remember what I said. And besides, unless she were actually writing her paper DURING class, the paper wouldn't even BE written after the material was "covered."

And if I cared about this, doesn't it stand to reason that I would have said so??

Seriously, have you ever heard of any teacher being "strict" about this kind of nonsense?

So I reply:

Dear Eager,
I have no such policy. You may turn your paper in after class [and here I refrain from adding: "just like everyfuckingone else who can read the syllabus and doesn't pester me with these timewasting missives." I am a model of restraint].

best,
Feemus

One would think this would be the end, right? Not a chance.

Hey Feemus,
Ok. Can I turn it in on Friday then?

Eager

I am frankly bewildered. This is positively the most Byzantine and counterintuitive way that I have EVER seen someone ask for an extension.

Dear Eager,
I no longer care when, where, or how you turn in your paper. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. In class, in my mailbox, via email. It no longer matters. I have lost the will to read it. Even a sense of morbid curiosity is not enough to sustain my interest in anything that you write. Nor will a sense of professional obligation compel me to do so. You win. I have decided that your will receive a B in the course. Whether or not you choose to turn in any work is entirely up to you. I am entirely past caring.

with kindest regards,
A Beaten Man