This Blog is Stolen Property

Friday, December 02, 2005

Happy 1000th, Death Penalty!

Many Happy Returns! This morning (last night for us West Coasters) the state of North Carolina executed the 1000th person since the triumphant return of the death penalty in 1977. North Carolina doesn't hang folks, like we do here in Washington state, but they still got the job done. We should all be very proud.

Top 10 reasons to keep the death penalty:

1. "DNA" is just a theory. Like evolution or germs.

2. Without the death penality, Jack McCoy has less to furrow his brow over.

3. How else can we teach our children about justice?

4. We must remember the lessons of 9/11. People who don't support the death penalty don't care about the troops. It's also important to stay the course. For the troops.

5. Abolishing the death penalty, or even a moratorium, would put lots of death machine operators out of work. Switch flipper, noose makers, button pushers, injectors, and a few lucky lucky firing squad marksmen would all lose their jobs.

6. Society needs vengeance. Have we learned nothing from Charles Bronson?

7. That last-minute call from the governor just wouldn't mean as much without it.

8. If you didn't want to get executed, you shouldn't have been so black.

9. Remember how happy people were when Bundy got what was coming to him? It wouldn't be Morning in America without some righteous killing.

10. "Right to Counsel" didn't mean that you would get adequate, or even awake, legal representation. It protects your right to volunteer at teen hotlines.

11. Seriously, you really shouldn't have been so black.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

The Falklands Totally Had it Coming

I mean, did you see the way they were flirting with Argentina?

An Amnesty International poll finds that 26% of Britons think that a woman is partly (or completely) responsible for being raped if she was wearing sexy clothes, 30% think so if she'd been drinking, and 26% think that the woman is at least partially to blame if she's had multiple sex partners.

This is revolting. And not just because I like drunk and slutty girls and want to keep them from harm. This last statistic suggests that we still think that it's wrong for women to want sex. So wrong, apparently, that they deserve to be assaulted. It is mind boggling that anyone could believe that by having multiple partners a woman gives up the right to personal safety.

Saying that a woman is responsible for being raped because she's had a lot of partners is like saying that you deserve to have your house broken into because you've thrown a lot of dinner parties.

Rape is the rapist's fault. That's what the "-ist" means, people.

You Crackers Are Alright

Today is National Don't be a Racist in Your Blog Day, or something like that. Like everyday in Blogland, this is really Preach to the Choir Day, but sometimes the choir needs a sermon, too, I reckon.

This post doesn't really fall into the category of "blogging against racism," as such. I do think racism is wrong, though. Also murdering puppies. Especially cute puppies. I'll just get that out of the way right now. Feemus and his blog are against racism and harming cute puppies. I feel a Raoul Wallenburg award a-comin' my way.

This post is about Taj Mahal. The guy, not the building. I went to see Taj Mahal last week. The crowd was mostly white. There was a woman sitting next to us, a white woman, who seemed to be trying desperately to ingratiate herself with the band. She laughed loudly at everything that could pass for a joke. She shouted, "yeah, Brother!" with irritating frequency. At one point, Taj Mahal was chatting about why he likes Placido Domingo more than Pavorotti. This woman actually shouted out: "Kiri....Kiri Te....I love Kiri!" It sounded as though she would have liked to say the whole name, but couldn't remember it. Kanawa could mess anybody up.

But why this spontaneous need to say "Kiri" at all? Surely this woman didn't think that a soprano would be Taj Mahal's favorite tenor. She just had to scream out to a black performer that she liked another black performer. Even if she couldn't think of the name.

This woman was particularly egregious, but by no means unique. All through the evening, the audience laughed a little loudly at every "in-joke" and applauded a little too loudly at any reference to another balck artist. Taj Mahal's reference to "Jimi" got a huge knowing laugh, while an anecdote about Pete Seeger got a nervous chuckle. Was it ok for them to like white performers, too?

All the forced laughter at what was really more charming patter than actual jokes was deeply unsettling. What did these people think was going to happen.

I think they thought that Taj Mahal would look out at the audience and say: "You know, you white cats is ok. Let's just forget about that whole slavery thing."

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Lessons of 9/11

There he goes again. Just when you think that if you hear the President say "stay the course" one more time you're going to go all Squeaky Fromme on his ass, he mixes it up a little. He trots out the old "we must not forget the lessons of 9/11."

I'll confess: if those lessons had anything to do with trigonometry, I'm pretty sure I already forgot them.

This tired old phrase is, of course, part of the big web of half-lies that the administration keeps spinning in order to get the mouth-breathers to think that Iraq has jackshit to do with 9/11. Yawn. We all know this.

This phrase also betrays the utter paucity of historical imagination on the part of our subnorm President. There is no nuance, no search for pattern or cause. Just what, exactly, does the President--even in his terms--think that the "lessons" of 9/11 are?

Lesson 1: "My Pet Goat" is well-written and entertaining, but the plotting could be tighter.
Lesson 2: It's no fun to be on a hijacked plane. We should be against hijackings.
Lesson 3: Arabs hate freedom. So do the French. And liberals.
Lesson 4: Sometimes, a dossier just can't get any sexier.
Lesson 5: If your building is going to get blown up by terrorists, take a sick day.
Lesson 6: There is nothing so brutal and horrifying that one shouldn't exploit it for one's own warmongering agenda.