Professor Backwards Died Yesterday When His Cries of "pleH" Went Unnoticed

I have a plea for help. It's a bit of a long shot, but here goes.

I remember reading a story in The New Yorker or maybe the Atlantic Monthly about 12-15 years ago (when I still read the fiction in these mags) and for some reason this story popped into my head last week and now I am obsessing about it.

Because I can't ever remember plots, I have no idea what happened in the story, or even what it was about. If it was The New Yorker, probably nothing, you know, actually happened. But what I do remember, is someone talking about feeling both a quietness and a sense of expectation, a kind of prolonged about-to-happen-ness.

He likens this sense of quiet expectation to the first reel of a Deborah Kerr movie, when she's going about her ordinary life, before the Burt Lancaster character appears. We are living, the narrator said, "in the days before Burt."

I've got this stuck in my head and I can't find it anywhere. I've googled the shit out of every possible combination of words, and nada. I put it into a number of the university's periodical databases and nothing. I am starting to wonder if I made it up.

I know this is a totally random, but does anyone remember reading this?

The last time I had something like this nagging at me like this it was about some song that someone put on a "mix tape" for me 20+ years ago and all I could remember was that the lyrics included the phrase "fuck Mary Tyler Moore." After pestering my friends to see if anyone remembered this song, I finally did a google search and came up with some very unpleasant things (poor Mary!). But at last I found the song. Hm....all I can say is that the mid-80's was a weird weird time.

I Know I Promised No More Sports, But...

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi recently issued this statement:

Tonight, Barry Bonds etched his name into baseball's history books and took his rightful place among the sport's immortals.

Um, Ms. Pelosi, I don't mean to be a noodge, but isn't there a war on? And, you know, like, global poverty and unaccounted-for weapons-grade plutonium and state-sanctioned torture and a federal government that's rife with cronyism and corruption?? Shouldn't you be trying to get us back some of our civil liberties instead of issuing statements about the Giants' game???

Also, we write in books, Ms. Pelosi. We do not etch in them. I know it's petty to carp on mixed metaphors, but petty is just how I roll. Today, anyway.

And also, sheesh--his "rightful place among the sport's immortals"? Hyperbolic much? Her statement continued to say that Randy Johnson is "Adonis-like" and that Jim Thome is "a fierce intellectual" and that Floyd Landis is "an undisputed champion."

P.S. I now officially promise to stop blathering about sports and to stop hating on Bonds (who I really don't hate, and heck records get broken all the time. Although I was a little upset when Bonds broke Rickey Henderson's record for walks. But I got over it). Although most of the hate in this post is for Pelosi. Get back to work, lady.

When Assy Beats Classy

So, the big not-news is that Barry Bonds has the new home run record. Everyone still likes Hank Aaron better, though. This pretty much sums it up. Deep thoughts to follow.

So, I am officially off my electronic media ban. I was pretty good--a few lapses here and there, but that's to be expected. One thing I really missed during my month of abstinence was sports. I did break down and watch one game (the Mariners lost. To the Red Sox. It was horrible).

I don't really like the sports writing in either of my local papers, so for the most part I read sports news online. So while I was restricting myself to print media, I didn't do much more than read box scores and check standings.

And oh, what I've missed. Actually, I didn't miss having to endure the lengthy run-up to Bonds breaking the record. All the endless pontificating about what this "means" for the game. Yeah, it sucks that someone hateable replaces someone loveable. But that's the game.* Half the time I can't even remember why I hate Bonds. Except for that stupid dangly earring he used to wear. Blech.

But this festival of Bonds-hating taps into something odd about sports celebrity: certain players are loved or hated for reasons that go well beyond either matters of play or off-field behavior. There's just something about sports-fandom that demands heroes and villains, in a way that other types of fandom don't.

Because, I think, unlike other forms of entertainment, we don't choose our sports loyalties for merit or for the satisfaction they bring us (ask a Cubs fan). I won't buy a Britney Spears album or watch a Jerry Bruckheimer show because I know that they will suck. But there have been lots of years when I know that the Mariners will suck, and I still watch the game.

It's this frankly and inescapably irrational nature of the commitment that leads to the need for good guys and bad guys, I think. I don't need to demonize Britney because she just doesn't matter when I've got the Lou Reed playing. But man, did I enjoy hating Paul O'Neill. Hating Paul O'Neill made baseball better in a way that hating Britney doesn't make music any better. I was actually sad when old Paul retired, I liked hating him so much.

And Bonds is like Paul O'Neill--he's not a monster or any more of an asshole than many other players. He just seems to fit the bill for this decade's villain.

*Although I do think that Hank Aaron's stats from the Negro Leagues should be added to his records from the Majors. But that's another post.

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Other sports new from while I was gone:

- A few marks can be placed in the good guy column: Tony Gwynn and Cal Ripkin got into the Hall of Fame. Griffey made it to 2500 hits.

- Gary Sheffield said some offensive things. The world yawned. For whatever reason, I can't ever be annoyed with Sheffield. Yeah, he's a jerk. But he's such a patient hitter and just one of the smartest at-bats in the game, I just kind of love him.

- Rickey Henderson officially retired. And a little piece of me died. I guess we'll have to wait until I'm commissioner to get him back. And seriously, let's get cracking on that letter-writing campaign. I'm looking for a new job, and I think Commissioner of Baseball is just the ticket.

And I know this isn't a sports blog, so it'll be back to our regularly scheduled bitching about stuff tomorrow. Because this is a bitching about stuff blog.

This Just In: America Likes Breasts

Just not Hilary's.

Ok, I know I'm a month or so late in getting to this, but.....seriously, what's the deal with the Washington Post covering, so to speak, Hilary Clinton's cleavage???

Granted, it was in a fashion column, but still. Who the fuck cares? Is this relevant?

Now, as you all know, I am no supporter of Clinton. She's a classic Depublican. And it sickens me that she can't admit that her votes on the Patriot Act and the authorization of force in Iraq were wrong, while she criticizes the Bush administration for these very things. Blech.

But in terms of appearance, this woman is between a rock and a hard place. I remember when her husband was campaigning the first time and everyone criticized her hair for being "too severe" and her clothes for being too conservative. And now her tits are making the Washington Post "uncomfortable" for being too "private" while not being "forthright" enough. Forthright?

I don't even want to know what that means.

It just shows to go you how little things have changed. The male candidates clothes do make the news with sickening frequency, but it's nothing like the scrutiny that Clinton's (and Rice's, for that matter) do. It's vulgar and pandering.

Let's all take our cue from Bill and just ignore Hilary's breasts entirely.

Was that a cheap shot? Oh dear, I'm as bad as the Post.


In other political news, my boy Kucinich kicked some ass last night in the debates. Go Dennis. Everyone likes an underdog. Except for, you know, the press and the financial backers and the primary voters and...

Well, I like Dennis. Not only is he unflaggingly honest and decent and fearless, he's the only one of the candidates to have had the mafia put a hit out on him. A mafia hit!!